so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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