3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
