i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
