At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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