I puked a lego.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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