Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
