New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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