brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize
