my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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