I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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