where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
