WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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