just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
