We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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