Can Purell be used as lube?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
