you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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