the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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