Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
