i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
