proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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