Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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