Your tits are I can't wait for
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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