I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
