i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
