Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
