it's not cheating when I paid for it
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
