The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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