He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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