how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
zippers are such a cool invention
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
