I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
