I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize