Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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