get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
