My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
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