i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
