nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
