Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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