Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
