Duck Duck Cougar?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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