why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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