I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
