i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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