This is not my ceiling
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
