I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
