Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
