I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
