True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
