Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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