She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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