It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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