i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
jump out the window naked night went bad
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
