do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
