well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
